That was just a dream, of course, but was so scary that I woke up in tears. I remembered one scene of my dream though, where I told my friend, “___, don’t do this. I know the economy sucks right now, but with your talent you can get a better job. Please.”

My dreams have been weird lately. It’s either about exams,  or morbid things. Bleh.

I wish I was born with an average brain. I wish I’m not smart in the eyes of others. I wish they’d just view me as an average girl and not place so much hopes on me. I’m really tired of being told what hopes and dreams they’ve placed on me. I’m scared, so scared of disappointing people that I try and try, even if it’s against my will.

People tell me that they’ve big dreams for me. Big dreams that I myself can’t imagine. Why can’t they get it that I’m not that person they think I am? Why don’t they understand that I’m not my sister? Why can’t they understand that I’ve my own goals in life, and my own methods to get there? Why can’t they even think of putting themselves in my shoes for once and realizing that I’m me and there’s nothing they could do to shape me into that vision of a perfect girl?

I always put on a smile. Deep down inside I know that I’m hurting. Everytime people ask me, “How was your day?” I’d force a big cheesy grin onto my face and say, “I’m great!” I hate lying, even if it’s a white lie. Even when my mother asked me, “How’s exams?” I’d say, “They’re okay, I guess” because I don’t want to shatter her hopes.

She wants me to get a scholarship that badly, and I know it’s not for her benefit. My mother is humble and all and I know all she wants is that I get a good and stable future. It’s every mother’s dreams. I’m only scared I’d let her down. My exams aren’t looking great right now, and I’m suffering the consequences alone.

People don’t see me as the real me. The real me is, in fact, hidden so deep that I can’t even feel that I know that ‘me’ anymore. That ‘me’ would love to have fun, to do as she pleases, to cry whenever she feels like it, to just show her mood whenever she wants to, and most importantly, to be herself.

I’ve always hidden these feelings for so long, but I don’t think people around me would understand. I’ve tried to let that inner me resurface, but then it’s so hard. I want to be back to the me that I was so many years ago. The carefree me. The one that loves me for being me.

I rarely show my temper nowadays. I keep hiding all my feelings in front of others. When agitated, I still smile. Even if I hate that a particular person, I try to convince myself otherwise. No matter how many time people hurt me, I give them chances, only to find that they hurt me yet again.

I always end up in my room, alone, showing my weakness to myself and myself only. I throw around all my belongings, books included, just to let go of my emotions. Tears flow freely down my cheeks, I scream to my heart’s content into my pillow, and eventually drift into a deep slumber.

I’ve tried to reassure myself several times that I love myself now, but somehow it doesn’t work. I don’t care about myself in terms of looks, but more towards who I am.

I wish I can be me. I want people to know me as me, not someone else. I want people to understand my emotions for once.

… and I just can’t say it in real life.

Right now the song I’m playing is See Who I Am by Within Temptation. I bet you can understand why.

I haven’t added my sites, but I’ve planned a massive site redo (meh, don’t I do that all the time?) Even for my other sites, I feel the need for destroying everything present (but not this one!) and then relaunching it, or something. idk.

I did several reviews already, but then now I’ve been given an internet usage limit of 3 hours a day. My exams come first, and my mother wasn’t pleased to see me going online to play MMORPGs or browsing Snark, and currently spending more time on rev.iew.me more than anything else.

I’ve been sick as a dog lately, and this isn’t good. All I do is sleep, sleep and sleep only. Yesterday I had a mild case of diarrhoea, and since I was too tired to go to a doctor, my parents gave me non-refrigerated 100Plus. I’m okay now though. What’s worse, I’ve got horrible period cramps now and so I’ve got the hot water bottle.

A few weeks ago my dog had lost half its tail. Now all he has is the remaining tail, plus a bone sticking out. Poor guy. His skin disease isn’t improving either. Another pup got infected with the disease, and now we’ve got to take care of both sick dogs My dad  bought a flea collar since the disease was caused by fleas. My dogs got the disease thanks to the neighbouring dogs. Sigh.

I’m going to the beach today! There’s a convocation beach party hosted by the local university, and my cousin’s husband is in charge. My cousin’s bringing her son and her nephew, and did I mention how I loooooooove to play with her nephew?

See you in the next blog entry!

His run to the Discipline teacher triggered everyone’s attention. Everyone began checking their bags and some had their personal belongings lost. Some who didn’t know about it went for the exam. I knew about it, but didn’t bother to check on my phone because I thought it was only A who had his things stolen.

Then after our second paper, the policemen had already arrived. I checked my bag. Thank goodness my phone was still there. I guess no one bothered to steal from me because my bag was an open bag and my phone was hidden behind my packet of food in one of the hidden compartments.

Most of my friends had their things stolen, and one was crying because it was the second time her phone got stolen. The sad thing about the phones being stolen is that the school will not take responsibility as stated in the letter to our parents dated June 2007 whereby bringing mobile phones were banned and at our own risk.

The thing that pisses me off is that all the crime scenes were within view of the security guards’ posts. The library area where students put their stuff into the shelves is exactly next to the room for security guards (formerly a first aid room but it was forced to be removed because of the security guards). Next was at the concourse. The concourse was within view of the security guards posted at the Auditorium.

The security guards even had time to talk with my teacher. I heard one say, “Oh? So you’re a teacher! Ahhhhh~” Urgh, I WAS PISSED OFF. I wanted to chop of his head immediately (though I can’t remember his face). Worse still, the security guards were oblivious to the commotion and only realized that a theft had occured after my teacher told them. WTF.

We students have several conclusions. One, the items were stolen by a group of students. It was impossible for one student to steal all this unnoticed as there were a lot of things. Two, the things were stolen by the air-conditioner repair men since they were here today. Three, the security guards stole them since there were cases in other schools whereby the security guards were the thieves (which reminds me of a Malay saying Harapkan pagar, pagar makan padi).

All in all, I think the security guards suck. I’d rather the money spent on hiring them was used to renovate / repair the school. We’ve had a lot of air-conditioner problems, holes in our roof (hence water leaks), improperly sealed windows, replacement of lost airconditioner remote controls, replacement of locker leys, etc. The list goes a long way.

Well that’s just what I had in mind, but of course, I can’t really say who the culprit is. We all can only assume, but not jump to immediate conclusions. The matter is currently being investigated, and all I can do is wait for news in hope that my friends can get their stuff back.

Computer was hell. Those questions we predicted came out, but we didn’t take our predictions seriously. Damn.

Chemistry practicals was bad. I got the wrong concentration and Mr. I didn’t get enough points for the last page. Please say its a double mark. Overall is a minimum loss of 8 marks. If I’m lucky, I’d get an A2.

I hate you exams. I just want to get you over with, but that’ll only happen on 17th November.

Aki.

I’ve also got an addiction to Tohoshinki, otherwise known as DBSK or TVXQ. I’m still mesmerized by the beauty of JaeJoong’s (Hero) face, although I do admit he looks rather girly. Blame the MV for their song Hug which caused me to like him. XD

I’d recommend their Japanese song Doushite Kimi Wo Suki Ni Natte Shimattandarou a lot. Choosey Lover is also a favourite. As for their Korean songs, I like Balloons, Holding Back the Tears and Hug. I’d super recommend their latest song, Mirotic.

Enough with fangirling over Tohoshinki. Now onto anime. I’ve been watching Ayakashi, Japanese Classic Horror Story without knowing that it was more towards PG 18 and that my cousin told me to delete it after I finished downloading it. I decided to just watch about Oiwa and then I deleted the rest.

I’ve also watched Natsume Yuukinchou, Yakushiji Ryoko No Kaiki Jikenbo, Kamen no Maid Guy and Monochrome. Monochrome is said to be a gay anime though, because the two main characters (males) keep blushing etc etc. Shirogane is beautiful though. *squeals*

Apart from movies, I’ve also been playing games. I was playing Spore today, and my creature is called Enaika. I don’t know why I called it that, but ah well. I installed Spore on another computer, but then that computer doesn’t have any internet connection (since it’s custom made and all, plus we’re too lazy to buy wireless adapters).

I played The Sims 2 last night. Apparently I was feeling absolutely morbid, and I ended up killing each and every one in the household. I starved them and only left one person in the end. Poor guy though, I allowed him to live, only in a room with minimal space (3×1 squares) and he was surrounded by 5 urns. I removed the door, and he eventually died there after seeing the ghost of his grandson.

Now onto real business. I did 2 Additonal Maths papers today, and managed to score 80% overall. This isn’t good, since I want at least 90%. I also studied computer, and managed to finally memorize the System Life Cycle. If only I remembered the cycle during my last exam, I would’ve at least scored an A and beat the crap out of a certain someone.

I just remembered that I’ve gotten my results slip back two days ago (and it still had errors, so I resubmitted it to the Academic Dept) and I’m number one. Obviously I’m pleased, seeing that homework does pay off. The two boys who got higher than me in the qualifying exams didn’t get number one because they didn’t do their homework, and they failed that score. My mom was overjoyed, and she told me, “Here’s a chocolate. Now start typing my question paper.”

It’s nearly 1am and I don’t feel inclined to study now, so I’m off to sleep. Hopefully I’ll have a peaceful night and not feel like a sponge again.

Sit back, get your popcorn and start eating because my post isn’t that entertaining. Honest! I promise that I won’t use a single swear word here This post is inspired by a conversation with my friend about materialistic bitches people.

• I like smart-ass guys
  Smart-ass guys who do homework and get good grades are the people who would earn a lot of money. Those with dedication and perseverance top the list, and if ever a chance that they’d like me, I’d get a guy with great grades, money, cars, etc as well as a guaranteed 3 times a day (or more!) meal.
• I maintain good relationships with teachers
  Teachers are the main source of help and knowlegde you’d get during your education. (duh!) The benefits of maintaining a good relationship with teachers are many, but my main aim is that they’d enroll me in competitions, for another reason which I will explain in the next point.
• I joined competitions
  I want to join competitions because competitions would boost the quality and quantity of the content in my CV file, which would be very useful for scholarship applications.
• I decide to study
  I study so that I can qualify for the scholarships. I need at least aggregate 12 or else my chances are really slim.
• I want to get a scholarship
  Getting a scholarship to UK for education is a very promising option. We’re given about 500-800 pounds a month for allowance. Food and lodging are included in the package without affecting the 500-800 pounds. Compared to my $45 a month allowance (that comes with my school since it’s the top school here), that amount is more than 10 times more than what I’ve got. Eventually I can save enough money to buy a Wacom tablet or even a car. (My cousin managed to buy a HOUSE with her money). And also some money would definitely be used for maintaining my sites
• I blog continuously (when I’ve the mood)
  I love blogging. I get my thoughts out, whether it makes me seem like a total idiot or not, but anyways, I love blogging best because I get to design my blogs. I’m a sucker whenever it comes to blog designs. I just go on designing.
• I design my blog happily
  It keeps me stress free, and when I’m stress free, I study better. Eventually the cycle repeats, and yeah. I also design to boost my portfolio so that I might be able to do web design as a commercial hobby

All in all, I’m one heck of a materialistic girl in a materialistic world It’s all about money! $_$

I remembered a photograph I took recently of beautiful clouds in the sky, and I photomanipulated it. After that an inspiration for a web design came when I was browsing through the Apple.com. I really loved the simplicity of the design, so I decided to be creative.

Reusing my old design’s coding, and a bit of FooterStickAlt, I managed to create this design, and the footer sticks down there. Which is good, seeing that I was sooo frustrated when coding it just now. The design itself is really simple, and I took very little time to complete it. Unfortunately, I really really have to work on some coding issues on the pages section. I just forgot to put one small code, which crashed the whole function.

For those who are curious, here’s the function. ETA: WordPress got hungry and ate it.

It basically lists the pages in an unordered list. Some of the code here was thanks to the help of Melissa, who first wrote a neat tutorial about subnavigation and dynamic sidebars. You rock girl!

Just forgetting global $post; crashed the whole function for me. Gee, how stupid could I get? But considering that I’ve received a lot of awards this week, I’ll momentarily live in a world where I am a total smartass.

It’s quite a shame that my report card has all semi negative remarks. Most teachers are telling me to focus (which is currently at sub zero, or what my English Teacher would call it). Every teacher seems to say that I have the potential to do better, if only I put my heart into it. Unfortunately, my Malay teacher did not say anything about me, since my report card came out wrong. I suddenly became one of my classmates. LOL.

When consulting the Academic Reports Head, she said that she wasn’t to blame, but then she was also evil. She said that our results might get swapped during the actual O Levels. I was horrified, and then I thought of a witty remark. “What if we get it swapped with someone who has all A1s? I sure won’t mind.”

Note to self: self-control please. I shouldn’t be overly open with teachers since I’m going a bit overboard. Whoops.

How does it feel? I am absolutely shocked beyond reason. I mean, I’ve been getting 60ish grades since form 4, and not much improvement is seen in form 5. All I know is that I’m really struggling in the subject, and I still refuse to go to tuition. Besides, at a time like this, tuition is all too late.

I had a test today. It was horrible, since I didn’t study and all, not to mention that I fell asleep during the test, just like all my other friends.

Apart from school related updates, I’ve read nearly all the Twilight Series, except for Breaking Dawn. I’m really addicted to it, but then I need to control myself. Not only that, I’m also in love with Edward Cullen. I’ve always had a strange fascination for vampires, including Zero Kiryu and Kaname Kuran from VK.

I remember that as a kid, I would refuse to watch a Chinese series about vampires. It was always played at night, so I was terrified, what not with my cousin telling me stories like Dracula. Yesterday I watched a Cantonese film regarding a man who had various spiritual encounters after finding out that his wife had someone else in his bed. The show was hilarious although there were some moments where I nearly jumped out of my skin.

English today was fun. We played Charades. My teacher wrote on the whiteboard “Nutrional Value”. I corrected him, and he looked at the word again, puzzled. I spelled it out loud. He took a moment in deep thought, and rewrote the word, then realizing that he had a spelling error. After playing that round, he said that “We should all know…” and I ended his sentence. “… how to spell Nutritional Value!” I immediately hid behind my friend, while the whole class burst out in laughter. Whoops.

I feel like watching Ayakashi (A Japanese Classic Horror) so I’m downloading it. I really am too much lately, going to extremes by watching horror films. Of course, I’ll control my volume and pretend that I’m not scared by not screaming. What a great idea!

Music-wise, I’m addicted to Westlife. My list of personal favourites are below:

• Us Against the World
• My Love
• I Lay My Love On You
• Against All Odds
• When You’re Looking Like That
• Soledad
• Puzzle of My Heart
• Every Little Thing You Do
• Don’t Get Me Wrong
• You Raise Me Up
• If
• Total Eclipse of the Heart
• All Out of Love
• Swear It Again
• We are One
• Bop Bop Baby
• Uptown Girl

I know I should probably be studying right now, but then it’s my father’s birthday and I have to cook soon. Plus I’m in no mood to study since I’m feeling happy. Getting an international award makes me smile all the time

“You’d better not do ___ or else I’d tell ___.”

“Don’t hit me or I’ll tell ___.”

“Let me come to your house to play The Sims 2 there or else I’ll tell ___.”

Let’s use alphabets for today’s entries. T, is the one who threatens me often. G is the guy I like. Good, now that we’ve set the variables, let’s proceed.

T knows that I like G because a certain person slipped her tongue and told him, thus giving him advantage over me. I have never liked T, simply because T was a demon from hell who wouldn’t stop annoying me. T likes to take my food, especially when it’s chocolates, almost every break time. So I resorted to bringing apples to school instead.

Today, my super duper close friend told me that T was stalking her creepily. T actually SMSed her dad, told him that he was coming over. Reason: To ask for my friend’s hand in marriage. What the fuck was written all over my face.

So T went to my friend’s house and my friend refused to bother with him. End of that story. But what happens when I came home from a baby shower is that T converses with me on MSN (note that I only bothered to accept his friend request on MSN was to do school work).

T: I went to FRIEND’s house today.
Me: So?
T: Listen to what I say or I’ll tell G you like him!
Me: STFU.
T: Too bad he’s offline. I’ll just drop him a note.
Me: Go to hell.

Normally I wouldn’t talk in three words or less. He actually told me how hot my friend was, yada yada yada. So? He just wouldn’t shut up. I blocked him and was rather at peace after that. Not to mention that I cannot bear listening to his lies anymore.

“FRIEND wants to go out with you and me and her brother on her birthday!”

“FRIEND invited you to go to her house during celebration time.”

“FRIEND accepted my proposal to be her boyfriend.”

And more.

But anyways, in school I’m still threatened, just like the first few abovementioned examples. I’m really tired of all this threatening, since I’m the victim here.

I guess I keep feeling threatened since I’m rather proud and I don’t want to let G know that I like him. The thing is, I’ve had a good long friendship with G, although now we’re getting more distanced from each other, but he keeps surprising me, in a good way. He would remember my birthday every year and send me greetings, and I would always, always look forward to that.

I fear that if he does carry out his threat, G would cease to exist as my friend, if you get what I mean. I would also feel and act strange towards G, and then eventually that friendship bond might just disappear. I already know that I’m not as close to my friends as before since I’ve rather isolated myself, but then again there are some friendship bonds that I want to keep.

Right now I just want to kick T in the nuts.